Goodbye, Nursing: Release of a Love-Hate Relationship
I mailed in the app to retire my RN license on Monday. I considered just letting it expire. Seriously considered it. Instead I’ve chosen to honor the relationship I’ve had with the license and the nursing profession over the past 30 years. It has been a love/hate relationship with nursing and that relationship has run its course for me.
Truth be told, it had run its course five years ago.
It is abundantly clear to me that I have zero desire to practice as a RN anymore. I could not bring myself to commit to anything for the 200 hours (in a five year period) required to keep the license.
For the first three of the past five years, it was a physical impossibility.
For the past two, the idea of doing anything “nursey” within my physical limits ( so maybe 4 hours a day of something a couple times a week) has felt like a major imposition on my time and person. I have mentally explored the idea of practicing in a hospice capacity. Hospice is my nursing love.
Turns out I prefer to explore non-nursing hospice opportunities. I can live Presence, sit in Presence without a license and that feels so much more aligned and in Love for me.
Any questions I had about trying to push through and keep the license active “just incase” were erased as I watched an ER reality show which was true enough to life to bring up all of particularly unpleasant aspects of working with people who don’t want your help … I usually turn of the TV before this. Not this night. This particular episode had one story going with a heroine addict who didn’t want help, was combative with everyone trying to help her,signed out against medical advice, fell off a train platform, had to be rescued from under a train, subsequently went back to the ER , still spewing abuse at everyone trying to help .
Holy cow !!! Craziness!! Enough already!! Enough!! Already!!! She brought up every unpleasant feeling towards every one of the unpleasant patients I have experienced as a RN. (I won’t give them a name here … it is enough to identify and release those feelings.)
I just want to stay in my happy quiet space and create. I don’t need to do “Love on adrenaline” any more!
There is deep letting go here. Nursing has legitimized my existence since 1984. Made me “real” in the eyes of society, when most of the time I have felt anything but.
It has served me well. It is time to release, to fully cross the bridge into the next part of this multi-layered experience. No more Plan B.
Finally. The sweet release into the deepest prayer of my heart. This.
Beautiful Beloved, shift me please into One who knows at the deepest level of Knowing that I Am enough. I Am Loved. I Am Love itself. Nothing to prove. Nothing to power through . Simple Knowing. I Am enough. I Am loved. I Am Love itself. Thank you.
Thank you for bearing witness.