I ran out of coffee ….
I have been experiencing a fierce and intense fear response to pretty much everything this week. It did not dissipate with sleep. In fact, it interfered with sleep. So every time I gave my body more coffee, my body ramped up and after awhile, it wouldn’t come down. It stayed on high alert. That is an intensely unpleasant place.
I ran out of my coffee on Thursday.
You have to understand, if there is opacity in the coffee, it isn’t strong enough. I cannot see through my morning coffee. I have to taste the strength. I grind it to almost powder, put a couple tablespoons into my one cup filter, pour the hot water through it and make two very strong cups. The strength of my preference is probably equivalent to 3 of your cups in my one. If I want more later, I make another round.
I ran out of my coffee on Thursday.
It was part of my mental grocery list, part of my to-do list. Usually that lights a fire under my tush to go get more. No fire this time.
However because my heart rate has been a little bit non stop racy, (part of the fear response) it was also in the back of my mind that I could let go of coffee for a time. Maybe give my body a chance to learn how to regulate itself into serenity, into peace, into a state of well-being. I’ve held that idea in the back of my mind for several years now … I could let go of coffee and perhaps have an easier time de-escalating the physicality of the fear responses.
I shop at Trader Joes for most of my food. I go to Market of Choice or the coop for mayonnaise and coffee. Coffee was completely off my radar as I walked into Market of Choice this time. Usually I am obsessing about remembering “my” coffee. Not this time. I had mayonnaise on my mind. Period. I walked in, picked up the mayonnaise, wandered the store a little bit to see if anything else caught my eye. Nothing did. I paid for the mayonnaise, never even once thinking of coffee. Not once! I was on my way home when I remembered!
There was no urge in that moment to turn around, go back and get it. No. Urge. If I really want it, I can get in the car, go back and get it later. The urge never came. Thank you Divine Beloved. Message received. What’s interesting is that the amount of coffee I have been drinking over that past week has been tapering down.
I am usually really skilled at tuning into my body and giving it what it wants.
But sometimes, sometimes I fight with it. Like when it interferes with the persona that I love and have come to depend on. My coffee persona. She’s the go getter. She’s the make it happen woman. She’s the fiercely determined I’m going to do this no matter what woman. She is calm, cool and collected (so I think)
As long as I have coffee in my hand I look like I’m contributing to society. I look (to me) like I know what I am doing and I can pretend that I can conquer anything!
At what cost, this appearance?
The heart – both physical and energetic – needs to slow down, to be still and know, to come back into alignment with Love. To let Love have its full and complete way with me.
Apparently for now, that’s about allowing my body to relax and respond to the environment, to the circumstances in love. To stop all semblance of push drive push drive push drive. So coffee gets to be on shelf for a time. And the go-getter coffee persona gets to learn a new way operating.
I substitute a green tea. Yes. I know that has caffeine in it. But there are not the emotional connections with the caffeine in the green tea to a persona. That caffeine intake is not neurologically connected to push-drive, to my sense of self worth and performance. It is a kind way to ease my body away from its dependence on caffeine and transition to the ingestion of kinder chemicals.
I met up with my beautiful friend friend Bethlyn at Imagine Coffee yesterday. It is our favorite place to meet up. I received an unexpected gift. I met a new favorite drink – London Fog made with rooibos tea and hemp milk. I am in cafe bliss!
The experience was deliciously sensual – I love the feel of hemp milk sliding down the back of my throat. It is creamy. It is rich. It connects me with so much pleasure. The flavors in the London Fog ~ vanilla with a twist of sweet? Creative perfection!
So, hemp latte, my specialty drink of choice for the past several years, I am giving you a little goodbye kiss for a while, with much love and appreciation 😉 You have served me well and it is time to move on for a time.
I may just just have found the “new job” for the coffee persona push drive get her done mama.
She gets to be the director of slowing down, savoring pleasure in all of its varieties, of the deepest kind of allowing … yeah. Good choice!
Are you up for this sweetheart? (I think you were made for it!)