Dancing Between Love and Fear
I am going to keep talking about this because it feels really good to do that.
I did not recognize how deeply ensconced in fear I have been until deciding that feeling really really (really) good is more important than anything else. As I have done that, and allowed the feelings of stability, love, clarity, excitement, enthusiasm, joy to settle in, and subsequently feeling less and less fear, when it comes up, oh my goodness, when it comes up, I notice it. It is no longer the under the radar silent companion that it has been.
When it comes up now, I notice it. I notice what seemed to elicit the fear. Because I’m focused on feeling good and I know how that feels in my body, I feel the subtle and not so subtle shifts into fear. I am a kinesthetic human and I know by how something feels in my body.
It feels like it came together for me within the past two weeks. I wrote about it a little bit last week in what felt to me felt like an obscure way. Now I’d like to get significantly less obscure. It feels like the obscurity is me dancing around the thing that I feel most afraid of. A fear of being banished from the tribe for thinking and feeling differently than everyone else.
For me this encompasses two completely different paradigms. There’s the group that I’m so deliciously a part of, who from my perspective may see this as manifesting, part of the positivity cult, treating God as a slot machine and saying “Here are wishes and dreams. Go get them for me. What? You haven’t done it yet? You’ve failed me. Woe is me.”
That is not it! For me it is all about alignment with the Source of all life that is in every fiber of my being, and the simple built in tool that has the capacity to let me know in an instant whether I am aligned or misaligned. The tool? How I feel.
My deepest desire is to get out of my own way and live life fully aligned with Source Energy, as the extension of Source Energy that I am, fully open to all that comes my way.
And then there’s the fundamentalist Christian camp that relegates anything not directly from the pages of the bible, interpreted in the “traditional biblical perspective” to the “darkside”. My sense? My sense is that if I were to immerse in the Bible and look for evidence that backs up the way that I see things now, I would find it. If I were to start with fresh eyes, without the “christianized” interpretation, without the fear of burning in hell if I get it wrong, (which is gone btw thanks to a fair amount of research and the book Raising Hell, by Julie Ferweda) I would find the same thing that many others who have done that have found. Ones who have been pastors, biblical scholars, ones who have been in the Christian community all of their lives until they questioned the tenets on which their lives had been founded and found a deeper truth.
Yesterday while driving to meet a web design client, I recognized that I was discounting the Inner Divine that I have always known and deeply loved, as I am about to be with someone who goes to church and believes in the “literal” translation of the Bible.”Their” God is the real God … the true and living God. This has been a pattern for me where I underplay my knowing in the presence of anyone who might disagree or misunderstand. In that moment I breathed deeply into my heart, went in to my Inner Beloved, and re-membered, I am an extension of Source Energy and the power that creates worlds pulses through me. Not just people who believe in the “right God”. Through me. It felt deeply opening to remember that. It isn’t necessary to define or explain.
The immersion this past two weeks in particular has been life-altering. I have been immersed before and this week it went from my head into my heart and blended with the place that’s real in me. I stopped arguing. I simply stopped.
This YouTube video was the catalyst that synthesized it in my being.
I have desired for longer than I can put words to that sense of Deep, pure full alignment with Source and I now get that when I’m feeling good I’m aligned. I’m done fighting with that. I am done letting the dullness that goes with the lower vibration energies be the norm. When I’m feeling good, clear, vibrant, ecstatic, connected, bliss filled, I am connected! Purely, simply.
The energy that creates worlds expresses sensually through me. It is orgasmic.
The feeling is everything. There are not words in the language to describe it adequately. I recognized that instantly as I was listening and feeling, listening and feeling. I recognize that I have been there frequently. I simply have been afraid of that place and pinched myself off from it. I know now that pinching off is no longer necessary.
The recognition went very deeply into my entire system. I really really really (really!!!) can focus on feeling good. I can let the feeling sense in my body be the barometer and I can use the barometer to choose the better feeling thought while loving exactly where I am in the moment. I can choose to love it all!
I love the many many moments when what I know in my heart and in my head connect fully, resistance free. And I will never stop loving and being amazed at how that feels in my body!!!