I Can't Stay Angry (and I Wish I Could)

Grey zen stone in shape of heart, on sand background

I can’t stay mad at the One who a month ago told me he needed space after talking pretty much every day – every other day. No more than two days went by without us connecting for tiny moments. We have been on again off again for 13 years. Maybe 13 is the number of completion for us? (It is for me – which makes it so for us.)

I can’t stay angry at him without compromising my awareness of well being, of connection to mySelf and that is a place – that place of compromised awareness – that is a place I am unwilling to dwell in for long.

The relationship as I knew it is dead. I have no connection physically … no words, no voice contact, nothing. After almost two years of every couple days or so, and sometimes everyday.

I want to stay angry at him. It scares me not to be angry at him. I fear that when he’s finished with this round of whatever it is he’s doing he’ll be back and he’ll suck me in. Again. Because I have squishy feelings of love for him.

So when he crosses my mind these days I refocus onto something else or someone else that feels good. And if I can do it without an opposite pull, I thank the greater part of him.

It isn’t time to spend a lot of time focused on the (many) good things about him. It’s time to allow myself distance. Mental and emotional distance.

To shift the momentum of thought and feeling around him.

To nurture and nourish the places in me that I abandoned to him.

To stabilize my vibrational connection with the whole of me.

My words this year so far are Relax and Allow and Stability ~ Vibrational Stability.

So when the sadness comes up, I don’t push against it. I breathe into it and give it movement space.

The same with anger – I give it space to move, and to simply run its course rather than to constrict around it.

Sometimes I take the broom handle to my bed and whack out the anger that wants movement out – out of the body. Interesting that I learned to allow myself that release after his first visit back up here in 6 years in July a year and a half ago.

Thanking him internally for the clarity I have about the level of intimacy I want with my Lovers and for the over and over again reminder that what I have been seeking in him (and not finding ) is found in my connection to the Whole of Me.

Thanking him for showing me where I have abandoned myself.

Thanking him for being the One who chose to be the growth edge for this in me and enjoying that for this moment.

Until the next wave.